Swag

Awesome

Well, I did it...the Triathlon not the Duathlon.  I did the swim I was so terrified of.  I didn't love it, it didn't get any easier, I loathed almost every minute of it actually but...I did it.

THANK YOU BEEZUS, whew!

I know now that if I had switched to the Duathlon I would have regretted it.  I do want to train for and compete in a Duathlon someday but in this case I would be switching to the Dua out of fear and that is never a good idea. I did try to change to the Dua and if it had been easy, I would have done it & been Ok I'm sure.  The Mermaids at registration pushed me just the tiniest bit to reconsider and I jumped on it, in my heart (even my terrified heart) I think I wanted to do the swim.  I may never reg for another Tri that has an ocean swim in it but at least I wrapped up my last ocean swim in a good way, getting it done & not bugging out!

The rest of the Tri was awesome as usual, transition to bike was a long walk uphill but I loved it, allowed me time to absorb the fact that I actually completed the swim! Bike portion was easy (except the one time I nearly smashed into a parked car when not paying attention, humbling!) The run was easy, slightly uphill but so do-able.  Only problem was I blew past the restrooms for some reason and I should have taken the opportunity...I spent 2.5 miles needing to pee!  All in all the Mermaid triathlon was nothing short of truly AWESOME.  The organizers are top rate and the women, so motivating, inspiring and supportive.  I can not say enough about them, just plain RAD.  I hope to do every Mermaid event I can and be involved with them for years to come.

TriGirlTri is this weekend, signed up when I was positive I would flake on the ocean swim.  Excited to do the Tri but bummed I have to drive 1.5 hrs at 6am....ick.  Oh well, time to pull on the big girl panties and TRI and like it!

To swim with sharks or not!?

Hmmmmmm ponder ponder

To Tri or....Dua something else instead?

This has been a sucky week of a cold, cough and sinus infection.  Finally got meds yesterday and feel so much better, I now longer want to keep my eyes closed all day due to sinus pressure & headache.  I still am not my energizer bunny self but I feel human again & husband has commented "you don't look so sad & miserable anymore."

Still not sure if I will do the Tri or the Dua.  The Duathlon has never appealed to me, did one in college and it was hot & difficult.  There is NO way I am bugging out on the Mermaid tho', I love the philosophy, I'm fit & I am so excited for the weekend but....the swim in the ocean is bringing me down.  Had no idea how much I loathed ocean swimming till I did it (I guess snuba'ing in Hawaii far out from shore near an old ship 15 yrs ago and being so afraid I puked my guts out should have been a clue).  So...we'll see.  I am having a very difficult time not feeling like a loser by switching events BUT if I had friends doing the Duathlon by choice from the start I would think they were rock stars, people do Duathlons as a career & fitness choice...why am I so hard on myself?

Just trying to decide if I should go brawn & just hate every minute of the swim but power through or go with honesty & admit I am terrified of something & do something else instead that I will enjoy most every minute?  I hate spiders and am not signing up to handle tarantulas for fun, I'm afraid of sheer cliffs and I don't feel the need to do the ropes at Half Dome...just trying to decide if this is when I decide I won't be doing any ocean triathlons & focus on lakes (despite the zombies).

I am putting my money where my mouth is though and signed up for Tri Girl Tri next weekend, sprint tri with a lake swim.  I keep saying I would be so excited for this event if it were a LAKE swim.  So now I will need to prove that!

Ok, so I'm off for a fantastic Mermaid filled weekend...report back soon!

Getting ready...

This week I have been dealing with a lingering cold that turned into an ugly & painful chest cough.  Just enough to drain my energy & confidence.  I took 4-5 mile runs on Sun, Mon, Tues and also spent time doing laps but was still not feeling the mojo.  Took a ride today with my Triple A ladies followed by a great lunch and the mojo is BACK.  Feeling excited and nervous for Mermaid this weekend!  Super bummed that my two other A's are unable to adventure with me but I need to focus on having a super blast & remind myself I do these things for fun & to get my blood moving moving moving.  Now I just need to drink water water water and eat eat eat, the two things I slack on big time and it comes around to bite me...cheers to a fabulous weekend and event and so many more to come!

Fishgirl

I love this wood carving (above) in the locker room at Ives Pool.

Ran 7.5 Monday at Spring Lake, looooove that place, I always forget how great that place is. So many people walking, dogs, babies...so motivating. Still wanna kayak in the lake, gonna do it next week or following. Started run way too late, 11am...warm & hungry. Pushed thru it with Nuun & powerbar gel. Hit my stride 3-4 as usual and would have continued but didn't feel the need to push it. Strong legs & core, nagging right achilles & teeny tiny feeling on outside behind right knee~felt tight. Stretched. Swam an hour afterwards felt slooooooow but good.

Ran today with E in Presidio, awesome. Was nervous about tired legs & bod but all felt good. Great pace & a few tiny side aches but all over fine! Yahooo. On way home snuck in 20 minute swim...felt like butter. So smooth, not work at all, adore those types of swims. Could have swam an hour more with the bod but didn't have the time, drats. Left foot near big toe is sore, swimming tomorrow but no running. Feeling groovy :-)

YumYum

Great bike ride last Thursday with new buddy J.
Took Fri-Sun OFF working out~gasp!

Excited to run BIG tomorrow
Swim 3 times this week
Ride with a buddy or solo
Hit SF to see a friend
See a movie (been forever, like 2010 forever)
Get my hair cut & colored~it needs some sass & snazz
Lunch with buds
Plant veggie pots
Celebrate FALL & welcome her in!

Wicked homegrown sushi

Gotta blog it before I forget what I did!

Brown rice with vegan broth base, pickled garlic, shredded carrot, natural oysters, sesame dressing, rising tide nori. SO insanely great!

Cha Cha Slide

Hit the road for a run today and it was ....blah.  Gorgeous morning but warm & sunny by 9:30, yikers!  I also ran 6 Monday and a 1.5 mile swim yesterday and I think I was just tired.  Was aiming for 10-12 but was sucking wind and so stopped at 7.5 which was really good considering I was about to call it at mile 1.  Was going for a no frills, no hills run but ended up going up Healdsburg incline 3 times, no idea why I always do stuff like that.

Shot powerbar gel tangerine and it brought me back to orange triaminic and my youth :-)  Needed some major inspiration & motivation to get my run in gear so I cranked up Cha Cha Slide and thought about Caz Slab dancing for a good 30 minutes, tearing up a few times thinking of my childhood summers spent there.

Shuffle keeps saying 'battery low' after it has charged for 24hrs plus...it is only a year old...so tired of throw away electronics :-(  been thinking of Portland 10-10 a lot and so incredibly thrilled I am not injured this fall like last fall (achilles, hips, hamstring) but really missing that milestone marker of my first marathon.  Will be eager to see if it is sunny and glorious for their run vs last year pissing rain for 5 hrs!  It was the most amazing adventure with so many friends, Giants games, Portland wandering & just feelings of confidence, accomplishment, love & fun.

Nuun

I'm a Nuun girl & proud of it...Loving on this stuff.  I used to run like a camel, no water at all.  Now I force myself to hold a water bottle AND I use Nuun and I can tell the difference in my running.  Rad.

Took a 6 miler on Monday (in Tri capri pants that I will wear for Mermaid, not bad), a 1 hr swim today (maybe 1.5 miles or more) and tomorrow is slated for long run.  Just re-orging my shuffle for the run & I am jazzed to be out there running to these new tunes.  Love feeling that way, that the thought of running makes me so excited I need to chill out to get to sleep!  Ride on Thursday with a newbie lady friend, can't wait.

Vesper Point...soul food

At family camp all weekend, such a total relaxing blast.  Love that my legs are sore from walking, walking, walking.  Swam a lot too in the freezing pool.  Camp food is about as anti veggie & vegan & local organic as possible, feeling a bit bellyaching.  The only downside to cutting out dairy & crap is when you eat it, you feel like JUNK.  Back to the fitness grind tomorrow with a run!

Own It Baby!

Owning it.......that is what I have been thinking about a lot lately.  There is SO much power in owning your thoughts, actions & emotions.  If you put something out to the universe but don't own up to it, there is really no power or strength in the action or statement, so why?  For me, being accountable for my thoughts & actions has brought me to a whole new level of understanding about myself, looking at things I want to change & also being proud of things I used to not want to admit.  So just a few things I have pondered owning up to lately, big & small in scope :-)

• I own the fact that I am currently addicted to running, swimming & biking
• I own the fact that I feel good & motivated after I swim, run or bike
• I own the fact that I can be crabby if I don't get in my exercise & that can have a negative result with Awesome or on my day
• I own the fact that I put physical activities at the top of my To Do list
• I own the fact that I need to balance my calendar a bit more and give more time to family fun & solo time vs. adventuring
• I own the fact that I have a crazy unsubstantiated fear of sharks, lake zombies & mountain lions...and crazy psycho people like in horror movie commercials that freak me out for the 1.5 minutes they are on TV
• I own up to being a Twicrack addict & even though the frenzy has waned a bit, I still love me some sparkle
• I own the fact that I adore teen fiction like Hunger Games & Divergent because it is emotional & simple
• I own up to sometimes going a week without making something green for dinner
• I own up to giving my kiddo way too many treats
• I own up to working hard at trying to laugh more with my girlfriends as we get older & life gets more gritty & real
• I own the feelings of anger & worry in regards to our current political system
• I own my feeling of wanting material objects while at the same time wanting to simplify my life
• I own the fact that I am getting grey hair but refuse to look or feel middle-aged in the slightest
• I own the fact that in the past year or so my attitude and actions in life have shifted, this has created some divides between myself & lifelong friends but has also brought me new & wonderful experiences & people.  I own the fact that this shift is scary but feels honest, balanced & solid
• I own my new philosophy of not talking about another person unless I am prepared to say that same information to the person's face
• I own the fact that while I strive to be a veggie & vegan as much as possible I still crave & eat pate.
• I own my ponderings of some day soon doing an Ultra marathon & finishing it even if it takes me 24 hrs (omg I hope not!)
• I own up to my fears of not fundraising for any of my races because I am terrified of not meeting my goal in some way.  I own the fact that I am 'this close' to committing to fundraising for a few big events in 2012
• I own the fact that at this current moment in my life I don't have a passion for a certain career or life path like I have in the past (counseling, HR, admin) but I feel ok with that
• I own up to my feelings of uncertainty about the desire or (lack there of) having another baby
• I own up to my fears of never successfully starting or finishing a garden & providing home grown food for my family.  This is something I desire but have yet to put one ounce of work into
• I own up to being a SAHM and having oodles of time in my day and yet, it has been MONTHS and "clean out the closet" is still on the top of my to do list
• I own the fact that I worry about coddling my son too much and having him be a mama's boy.  I own the fact that I have incredibly high hopes for him to be a strong, confident, loving, caring, phenomenal human being

More ownership to come....

Body 2.0

Yup, that would be a picture of me at the lake...in a swimsuit.  Totally unauthorized pic taken by the husband, when I first saw it I thought "ugh but I felt so comfortable in my suit why do I look so ...blah."  Then I let the picture marinate and marinate and marinate and now I feel ok.  It feels so odd at age 37 to still be dealing with body issues.  I assumed as I aged that all the self-doubt and harsh criticism I loaded on to myself in my teens would...just float away and disappear as I got older, wiser, more involved in bigger things not associated with the size of my thighs?  Sigh...yet, it is STILL there.  That ugly creepy little inner critic, the one that whispers in your ear "Man, I know you're like really happy & think you look rad but wow!  Does your ass look fat in those pants."

I have seen pictures of myself during a half marathon and I focused on my fleshy arms, a picture from a full marathon and I focused on my thighs in spandex and a picture from a sprint triathlon and I focused on my hips in cycling shorts.  I don't feel bad about being critical of myself, I acknowledge it and am aware of it but it no longer brings me DOWN.  It really truly doesn't and I attribute that 100% to being active and sore every day from doing something physical & also for being gentle with myself (all that hippie self love mumbo jumbo does have a place in the world) because...well, I'm awesome and for the first time in my life I really feel it.  I have a sense of well-being and calm and confidence that I have never felt before and I hope this feeling never goes away but...if it does.  I know where I've been and hopefully I will know how to get back there...to here :-)

I am as strong and fit as I have EVER been in my entire life (except maybe during Jr. Jazzercise but I was 12yrs old).  I can wear cycling shorts & running pants in a size medium and occasionally size small. I feel proud of my body & I don't stick my tongue out in the mirror when I am naked.  I have always dreamed of having long gorgeous lean legs like Gisele, since I was a kid I wanted GAMS.  Not gonna happen, ever...I have CELLULITE and lots of it on my thighs, it covers all the awesome amazing muscles I have built up over the months cycling and running...but nothing I can do about it & I am feeling at peace about it.  Long lean legs and straight silky dark polynesian hair....never gonna happen.  Funny how time  (and childbirth/nursing) changes things because I spent most my life yearning for long smooth legs and now I am fixated on BOOBS.  Wow, would it be awesome to have BOOBS (and not the breasts I currently have after 3.7yrs of blissfully breast feeding my son :-)  yet, again...never gonna happen (well I know it could happen for about $5k and a lot of pain but not willing to go that distance).

So blah blah blah....I love my body, I am proud of it, I feel great in my skin and in my clothes.  I am still Miss Judgey Pants when it comes to seeing pictures of myself in a swimsuit but who isn't?  The main difference between young me and NOW me is that yes I judge myself & sigh BUT I don't linger on it.  I don't have time to.  I am too busy suiting up to ride my bike or slog out 10.25 mile runs (BOOOYAH, today!) or glam up in jeans & a tanktop and shake my booty to my brothers band at a local bar.  I'm too busy for you cellulite....take that creepy little inner critic!

Pigging out...sort of

A lot has changed about the way I eat but more importantly a LOT more has changed about the way I view food.  In the picture above is an In & Out burger...without the burger.  A few years ago that would have never happened.  After I overhauled my diet in January of this year I have seriously scaled back on my meat consumption (little to no beef, chicken, pork), I still eat & love seafood & willie bird turkey bacon.  I used to mainline dairy through my veins, literally eating spoonfuls of sour cream, bowls of ice cream & lots of full fat yogurt & milk products.  Not anymore.  When I do consume dairy it is usually just because there is nothing else available or else I am too lazy to ask them to take it off (like in the picture above the cheese & dressing, forgot to specify a veggie veggie instead of grilled cheese).  So how are the diet changes going...was the road from full boar carnivore to vegan-ish scary & difficult & do I lie awake at night dreaming of steaks and chicken nuggets?  NOPE.

The change has been so incredibly easy & one I could never ever in a million years have predicted and was 37 yrs in the making.  The only thing that shifted in order for the diet change to happen was one tiny little thing... accountability.  All through my teens and twenty-something years I had an addiction to food, it provided comfort & security.  I would eat whatever I wanted, especially as I got older and had the money & independence to do so.  Every other week I would go on a fad diet, I would lament the fact that I wanted to lose 10, 15, 20 pounds and if I lost lb's then I would be gorgeous, happy and life would be perfect.  When my boyfriends weren't around I would eat eat eat, then when I was with them I would eat what they did or less, being a girl and all.  I don't remember a time since entering teenhood that I didn't think about food.  I had zero willpower and even less follow-through.  The minute I mentally committed to a diet I would stuff my face.  I would go to the gym but read a magazine instead of workout but who would know?  I would get mexican, chinese & dessert take-out and eat it all because who would know?  Just this past January, something clicked...I would know.

I would know if I worked out, I would know if I was actually training for a marathon, I would know if I said I was going to be veganish but be eating beef kabobs for breakfast, I would know if I was eating cream-on-top yogurt instead of soy yogurt, I would know if I was eating a whole pie instead of having an apple.  So yadda yadda blah blah blah.  What it came down to for me was realizing that I would know what I was doing & that MATTERED.  The catalyst was training for the Portland Marathon.  For the first time I would need to be doing something even if no one else could see it, I would need to be running, training, in order to show up on game day I would need to put in the work.  I had not done anything like that before.  Even when I didn't want to run, I did.  When I said I ran 6, 9, 10, 15 miles to people, I had actually run those miles.  Being accountable to myself and no one else was HUGE,  it changed my entire viewpoint on fitness and food.  After the marathon training & realizing my opinion of myself mattered, my focus on food shifted slowly.  At first I cut out meat & dairy due to a borderline high cholesterol test (borderline high cholesterol at age 37 which was directly related to my Tillamook sharp cheddar consumption?  Embarrassing!) I had no idea how easily it would be to 'cleanse' from meat & dairy, I was seriously addicted!  After not consuming certain products for a while, my body stopped craving spoonfuls of sour cream and greasy burgers.  Do I still enjoy rich dairy, creamy brie, pate & ice cream?  Of course but on a hugely different scale.  Now I can have a few bites & be cool, whereas the old me would need to eat everything to the very last crumb & feel physically stuffed to feel 'full.'  I just don't feel that way anymore and I am so happy.  I never thought my focus would shift, ever.  I thought I would be a slave to food for my entire life.  Now I eat veganish even when no one is watching because I enjoy it *shocker*.  I enjoy eating lighter, having half a donut instead of half a dozen, I eat apples after dinner instead of ice cream because my body craves it.  I have not felt stuffed/sick/full for so long and it feels incredibly great.

I don't diet, I don't binge, I don't have cheat days, I don't go hungry, I don't go out of my way to be "low carb low fat sugar free veggie vegan organic gluten free", I don't follow a book or a plan or a fad, I never intentionally skip meals or skip calories...I don't really 'do' anything except eat what I want, when I want.  The only person I am accountable to is ME and that is so freeing & empowering.  Paying attention to feeding my belly and not filling any other void than what is in my tummy, feels great and has been a long time coming.  I never thought there would be a day that I would go to In & Out, get a burgerless burger, only eat half of it & a handful of fries and feel OK...about everything.  Another huge component to not caring about food like I used to is FITNESS.  Every day I am running, swimming, biking or resting from previous days of running, swimming, biking.  It is an awesome feeling to know my body is tired from physical fitness & needs fuel & rest to get up and do the same thing the next day.  I went years, literally YEARS without any type of regular physical fitness regime and now I have no idea how I did that.  Being active makes me feel alive & feeling alive makes me crave good, nourishing, healthy fuel for my body.  So it is really a win-win all around.

Now the only thing with food that I DO need to focus on is FUELing for big runs & events.  Going out for 10 milers in the morning on a cup of coffee isn't working...so gotta think about that.  Especially before the 2012 Ultra I'm secretly pondering.

Camping!

Green Monster

Post run yum: 2 bananas, apple juice, soy yogurt & two cups spinach. So fresh, sweet, awesome.

Awesome run...with one glitch

Took an amazingly awesome run today.  Was so excited to wake to the cool & foggy morning, perfect for a looooong run of 10-11.  The  I chatted on the phone in my car for 1.5 hrs to a good friend & by then it was sunny & warm.  Totally worth it soul food chat though and so I was still jazzed about a solid run.  Leaving for camping later today & need to pack, clean the house (am I the only one who tries to clean before going somewhere for a few days because when I return I know I will love it?), pick up dude for swim lessons, yadda yadda...before my brain could get overloaded and I tanked my run to go home & do chores, I set out.  In my heart I wanted to put in a good show of 10-11 miles so my training log would know I was serious about a few Halfs in the Fall & a Marathon in January but my mind was saying I might do a solid 6., which isn't a bad run at all.

So the music was rad (12 new tunes carried me through, a few on multiple repeat..Titanium by Sia and Moves like Jagger, big fav's), the body felt great ( a nagging right achilles, have PT next Tuesday whew!) and overall just felt golden.  I was sailing.  Pushed myself out on to Rodota for 6 miles so I knew in order to get back and to my car at Ragle I would most likely end up at 10-11 miles.  It was pretty rough to run right by my house at mile 9 as I was dragging in the heat but worth it.  Clocked out at 11.2 miles, and feel great...tired & sore hamstrings but strong.  I think the hamstrings and butt are so sore because I kicked it into high gear a few times & did sprints (thank you Sia) or maybe because of a huge ride Monday & over half mile lake swim yesterday, which makes for a RAD week of fitness.  So I was feeling GROOVY...and then...the big glitch I am still fuming about.

I was on the Rodota and happened to be in the area of the trail where there weren't any people & as I make my way I see a man join the path out of the corner of my eye.  I had passed him before, a handsome young man with lots of arm & neck tattoos and a basketball jersey & shorts.  Not in running gear but not street clothes.  When I passed him an hour back on the trail I waved and he waved back.  Now he was on the trail again & looked to be walking but was doing short jogs here & there but wasn't wearing running shoes.  So all in all for some reason I got a *feeling* and I didn't like it.  I never ignore my gut, ever.  So I took out my earphones and stopped running & stood at the side of the trail fiddling with my shuffle as he walked by.  I looked him straight in the eye and said "Hello" and he said hello back and didn't look too menacing but I still had an odd feeling.  Just as I was contemplating going out on to the road to run in the bike lane (Hwy12) a biker came by and then I looked and saw the trail opened up from the foliage and the trail could be seen from the road, so I was visible to drivers, so I decided to continue.  I passed Jersey guy and even blatantly looked back a few times to see where he was and he was just slowly walking.  I continued my run and passed a few runners and bikers and that should have put me at ease but now I was PISSED.  I had totally lost my mojo, I used to feel light & breezy & awesome and now I felt deflated, my neck was tight and my energy had fizzled.  I was mad at the guy and it isn't even his fault!  I am not nearly the nervous nelly I used to be as far as running trails alone but I always have some sort of guard or awareness up when running in an area where I don't see too many people & when a lone man with weird energy is on the trail with me, it skeeves me out & pisses me off.

I know that this guy was making me nervous for some reason, something was in the air that I felt & I won't ignore that & I'm glad I took the time to pay attention to that feeling but I also know that some people who can do bad things are the ones you least expect.  Like the 70-ish year old man walking his dog could be a creepo or the nice woman who just smiled at you, after the J.Duggard story...it makes me sick that I should be leery of women as well since you just never know.  So all in all I am pissed off that my insanely great run was ruined by a few minutes of feeling the hair on my neck stand up which in turn deflated my bubbling energy for the last 5 miles of my run.  I kept thinking about how angry I was in college when my boyfriend would skateboard to my house at 2am or 3am, usually a bit tipsy but having just been out cruising around campus under a starry sky and being...out.  As a 22 yr old woman in a college town if I were out at 2am, bike riding or skateboarding I would have been asking for trouble and that always, always made me angry.  I guess it still does.  I am a much more confident & self aware woman now than ever, I usually don't let fear or nerves deter me.  I know this is Sebastopol and not Compton, I know I am 37 and not 15 but still....it makes me angry & sad to think that as a woman I have to take time out of my run or whatever to be aware of my surroundings, it's not fair.  I really do have a great deal of faith & trust in humanity in general, and in hindsight I don't think jersey boy was out to cause any havoc on the trail ...but it didn't stop me from harboring some crazy thoughts today.  Funny how it would have been truly un-PC and borderline harassment/rude to ask him "hey, so you aren't going to try and drag me off the trail or anything right? Ok, just had to ask...we're cool? ok, bye" but I think it would have put me at ease to clear the air :-)  Sad that it is rude for me to say something like that to a stranger but the balance of the universe is such that my run got all tense and anxious, and it's not his fault but it is NOT my fault either for being a woman on an empty trail just wanting to enjoy her run.

Aside from that crappy little glitch, the run wrapped up perfectly, I am sore, tired, feel strong, good, and accomplished .... in a lot of ways.

Splish Splash

Big fun on Lake Sonoma today.  Three loops, wooooooooot!  Blondie & I both get anxious before swims but then afterwards we are riding high!  Today we did a great swim, a few weird currents & a bit tired but overall we rocked it.  Afterwards, we put on our running gear and jogged around & a few tiny hills to get used to transition time.  On the drive home we were both elated: sooooooo happy to be out & moving & pushing our bodies & facing fears & anxiety...you name it, we experience it AND despite that, we push through it.  Rock on.