Death Ride Tahoe 2012: When I was flying (for me that is, Mrs. Antispeed, while laying heavily on the brakes I might add!) down Monitor Pass on my bike after climbing UP for 2.5hrs, my mind was reeling. My eyes welled with tears at the sheer joy of being exactly where I was at that moment. 5 yrs earlier I laid in a hospital bed with my newborn & a doctors statement hanging heavy in the air regarding my recent surgery for the wicked NF infection I had contracted "we'll see if she makes it....in the next few hours...we will know."
...and there I was, flying downhill on my bike~strong, fit, balanced, and sooooooo sublimely happy. After my brush with death (sometimes I picture the reaper pausing at my hospital door in that maternity wing...hmmmm...then silently moving on) a HUGE piece of me disappeared. For that I am SO grateful. That huge piece of me that evaporated into thin air was my lifelong feeling of self-doubt & worry about how I fit in with the world. Gone....gone gone gone.
Of course it didn't happen right then in the hospital (that would have been too easy & simple), it happened gradually over 1.5yrs as I hit the dark cold empty bottom of The Nothing (NeverEnding Story anyone?). Call it PTSD, post partum depression, whatever. When I look back I think of it as a physical shedding of my skin like a snake ~ my former self, so concerned with peoples opinions of my body, actions, choices, words turned into an empty thin lifeless sheath. That I slithered blissfully away from. I feel so much lighter now than ever before~I know what's important in my life & I can count those things on one hand...the rest is just...not as important.
Sure I still have 'not so great days' but I never have bad days. Now that I know what a bad day truly can be~yeah, no, I never have bad days.
Seeing the double rainbow outside my front door last week sent my head & heart into a tizzy. Sooooooooo gorgeous, unreal almost. I feel so lucky to be HERE to see it.
