Body 2.0

Yup, that would be a picture of me at the lake...in a swimsuit.  Totally unauthorized pic taken by the husband, when I first saw it I thought "ugh but I felt so comfortable in my suit why do I look so ...blah."  Then I let the picture marinate and marinate and marinate and now I feel ok.  It feels so odd at age 37 to still be dealing with body issues.  I assumed as I aged that all the self-doubt and harsh criticism I loaded on to myself in my teens would...just float away and disappear as I got older, wiser, more involved in bigger things not associated with the size of my thighs?  Sigh...yet, it is STILL there.  That ugly creepy little inner critic, the one that whispers in your ear "Man, I know you're like really happy & think you look rad but wow!  Does your ass look fat in those pants."

I have seen pictures of myself during a half marathon and I focused on my fleshy arms, a picture from a full marathon and I focused on my thighs in spandex and a picture from a sprint triathlon and I focused on my hips in cycling shorts.  I don't feel bad about being critical of myself, I acknowledge it and am aware of it but it no longer brings me DOWN.  It really truly doesn't and I attribute that 100% to being active and sore every day from doing something physical & also for being gentle with myself (all that hippie self love mumbo jumbo does have a place in the world) because...well, I'm awesome and for the first time in my life I really feel it.  I have a sense of well-being and calm and confidence that I have never felt before and I hope this feeling never goes away but...if it does.  I know where I've been and hopefully I will know how to get back there...to here :-)

I am as strong and fit as I have EVER been in my entire life (except maybe during Jr. Jazzercise but I was 12yrs old).  I can wear cycling shorts & running pants in a size medium and occasionally size small. I feel proud of my body & I don't stick my tongue out in the mirror when I am naked.  I have always dreamed of having long gorgeous lean legs like Gisele, since I was a kid I wanted GAMS.  Not gonna happen, ever...I have CELLULITE and lots of it on my thighs, it covers all the awesome amazing muscles I have built up over the months cycling and running...but nothing I can do about it & I am feeling at peace about it.  Long lean legs and straight silky dark polynesian hair....never gonna happen.  Funny how time  (and childbirth/nursing) changes things because I spent most my life yearning for long smooth legs and now I am fixated on BOOBS.  Wow, would it be awesome to have BOOBS (and not the breasts I currently have after 3.7yrs of blissfully breast feeding my son :-)  yet, again...never gonna happen (well I know it could happen for about $5k and a lot of pain but not willing to go that distance).

So blah blah blah....I love my body, I am proud of it, I feel great in my skin and in my clothes.  I am still Miss Judgey Pants when it comes to seeing pictures of myself in a swimsuit but who isn't?  The main difference between young me and NOW me is that yes I judge myself & sigh BUT I don't linger on it.  I don't have time to.  I am too busy suiting up to ride my bike or slog out 10.25 mile runs (BOOOYAH, today!) or glam up in jeans & a tanktop and shake my booty to my brothers band at a local bar.  I'm too busy for you cellulite....take that creepy little inner critic!