Balance

Today I cleaned my house from top to bottom.  So many bags for hospice, trash, garage~and it feels very cleansing and gratifying.  I know as a stay at home parent I should be doing this daily or weekly, cleaning house and keeping everything ship-shape.  Been there, done that.  When kiddo was a baby and I was a newbie at-home parent, I used to clean my house obsessively.  I felt this pressure that since I was home it was my 'job' and I think it is completely reasonable to keep a tidy home (I have always been tidy, except under the bed & closets, then I am a pack rat :-) but I began to define my self-worth through what I had 'accomplished' during the day.  When Awesome came home and asked about my day I would launch right into all the laundry I had done, dishes I had washed, floors swept and mopped, closets re-orged... and on and on which is funny since our home is a wee bit over 1100 sq feet not a mansion.  He would listen to my housekeeping lists and then laugh and say" great but what did you DO for fun?"  That pace could only be sustained for so long and eventually the pendulum swung the other way.   In the last few months, I have pressured myself to get everything put away and relatively clean before taking dude to school in the morning & then would not return home until the end of the day.  Running errands, exercising, seeing friends, taking dude on adventures and getting home at the end of the day.  This has been a total glory time, I have formed strong freindship & am in the best shape of my life emotionally, mentally & physically.

Yet, I never come home and clean in the middle of the day or chill or zone out...again, the pressure of being a 'productive at-home parent" does not include sitting on the couch with The View.  Today during the house cleaning overhaul it felt really good to return to my roots of organizing and deep-cleaning which I had avoided since the start of the year.  I kept thinking back to how I used to do that ALL day long and it makes me a bit sad, as does thinking about how the past few months I have sometimes scheduled myself to the 'nth' degree just to fill up my day and avoid being lazy or cleaning at home.  It has taken me 4 yrs and counting to find the balance of knowing that almost everything I do as a parent and supportive wife  is in some way productive, if not for my home & family, for my own sense of well-being and confidence.  I am a work in progress and process...

Lately I feel a sense of transition stirring and some more personal feelings of how I judge my self-worth.  Lately I find myself thinking that with only one kiddo & unclear about any more in the hazy future, it is really gluttonous to be an at-home parent. After all I have friends with 2,3,4 kiddos...they are the ones that DESERVE the luxury & flexibility of being an at-home parent because they are REALLY parents to a whole brood.  Then I get mad at myself that I am downgrading the importance of parenting my solo kiddo & supporting my uber busy & successful spouse.  I know that it is my own deeper feelings questioning just how big our family will be over time coming to the surface in odd ways...any way, food for thought.

On another completely random note...lately I have been pondering the shelf life of sexy & beauty.  At 37 I feel pretty darn good but on a run the other day I startled myself by pondering when I should stop feeling sexy.  I thought about how well into your 40's and early 50's it is acceptable to be sexy, tastefully of course.  Then my mind wandered to Sophia Loren and Susan Sarandon, women way over 50 who still have really got it going on!  It was an odd feeling to ponder if beauty and looks and fitness have a shelf life?  I know I want to be running and active well into my 70-80's if possible but I know there will be a certain point that wearing spandex and  certain low-riding yoga pants will not be in my best interest...I got a bit sad thinking about a time when I might not feel as amazing as I do now in my late-30's but I am sure something else will grow in its palce and I might not feel the void?

Hmmmm...on that note, I was out running the other day and not feeling overly perky or groovy, just pounding the pavement to get it done.  A car slowed next to me and I turned, expecting a friend.  Instead it was a very handsome and very YOUNG man and he waved me over. I took out my earbuds expecting him to ask for directions, instead he startled me by saying "I just had to tell you that you have a beautiful physique. You make running look good."  I was dumbfounded, he was very earnest and sweet not at all creepy which made it an even nicer compliment.  I don't think I even said thank you, I just mumbled "well, ummmm I do love running" and gave him a lame thumbs up.  He said "well, running agrees with you. Wow. Have a great day" and drove off.  Needless to say I pondered that compliment all day long!  I think it might be some good karma coming back to me :-)  I am a huge proponent of telling people positive things in the moment, I randomly stop people and compliment their hair, kiddos, actions, voice, clothes...whenever I am struck by something that I think is beautiful or impressive I make a point of letting the person know.  Most people are so thankful, some look at me like I am crazy but I don't mind.  I feel like if it isn't spoken sometimes it will just go unnoticed...especially if you tell someone that their presence has really made a positive impact on your day, if it is their gorgeous dress or kind words you hear them say to their child.  SO I think this sweet, ego-boosting, totally out of the blue comment was total karma and man, I'll take it & relish it!