Mama

Had a wonderful Mothers Day~nothing extra-ordinary, quite normal actually but the whole day I kept thinking about Mothers Day.  What it means to me and how it is celebrated (emotional vs. tangible for me), I felt myself become a bit of a curmudgeon about the concept of it as a Hallmark holiday, without meaning to.  As a parent, really every day is mothers day or fathers day and so today really wasn't any different.  Every single day you are asked to report to work: to feed, clean, read, love, care, carry, soothe, discipline, explain, listen...and so on and on and on and on.  It sounds a bit like drudgery but it is the very best kind of drudgery.  Even on the absolute very worst days ever of parenting dude, it is 100 millions times more full & meaningful than my life before him ever was.  I had zero, nada, zilch idea that would be the case before he came along...

I am constantly reminded that I held a very naive vision of parenting/mothering pre-Dude.  I thought it would be like I saw in Nora Ephron movies (stylish, cute, hip, always a zinger of a one-liner) or like I read about in childhood stories (comforting, safe, warm, boring, never-changing, a constant).  I had no idea it would be so...messy, full, rich, funny, constant, overwhelming, emotional, intertwined.  I just never realized how connected my emotions & feelings would be to my kiddo, I did not realize that almost every minute would be taken up with physical touching, talking, servicing, rationalizing, explaining, movement.  It is the most unique feeling in the world for me.  It is tangible and full feeling, and this particular year in light of recent events for friends & family, I am feeling very blessed to feel complete and happy exactly where I am, today.  I do not take that for granted for a minute.

On a much less important note, had quite an interesting day with food.  The past few months as I have changed my diet and tried to be more aware of my eating, it has been a crazy journey.  Today I had breakfast at CrepeVine with my mom, I knew I 'could' get anything I wanted (I always can, any adult can) but I found myself concentrating on the menu to find something that was healthy but also tasty. They had 5 different Benedict's and I used to be a HUGE Benedict addict.  Instead, I got a banana rum crepe with no ice cream or whipped cream (back in the day I would not have thought twice about ice cream or whipped cream @ 10:30am but not having it nearly as much it sounded insanely indulgent and not even appealing).  A side of two poached eggs, the meal was fabulous...light enough but I in no way felt like I was on a 'diet.'  They brought all the mom's red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting after brunch but I didn't touch mine.  My mom couldn't believe it "how do you not want to eat that?" and it was funny, I didn't.  I love sweets and pastries and cake as much as the next person but this morning I wasn't really in the mood and so I didn't 'just eat it' because it was in front of me (which again, olden days I would have).  I guess that is what they call conscious eating, something that has taken me since age 15 to actually define for myself.  Ok, so now I am bored of talking about food and so I'll wrap it up with some fitness/motivation chat.  Was out at the coast and it was so windy, the entire ocean was white caps.  I started to get terrified thinking about swimming in the ocean for my fall Tri but at the same time I got a little zing of excitement.  Why not just try?  If it is windy & rough & scary & hard on the day I am asked to jump in the ocean and swim a mile, maybe I don't get very far, maybe I don't do it at all.  I do know I want to train this summer like I WILL be doing it in the fall, like I will be out there, white caps or not.  After my love for running took hold I couldn't look at a road or a landscape without thinking "oh man, that would be a gorgeous run."  Now I do the same with cycling and I get physically jealous when I am in a car and see people spinning down the road, wishing I were on a bike instead of trapped in the car.  Now I find myself doing the same with swimming, looking at the inlet of Bodega Bay with windsurfers & thinking it looked safe to swim or Saturday at Spring Lake it was so calm & the water was like glass and I thought "I would so swim in that right now."  I love those feelings of wanting to be out there, wanting to try...feelings that I did not always have regarding personal goals, fitness & motivation.  I used to think I was missing that gene somehow.  It feels good to have the grassroots fire in the belly from me & for me in relation to being physical.