Worthy

Been trying to run a lot, days not mileage.  3-5 miles at least a every other day.  Foot aches but I feel so much happier when I am out there, moving, moving, moving.  Last week also got in a great bike ride & a few good swims.  Tried on a wetsuit for the first time ever and surprise...the experience did not entirely suck.  Not nearly as difficult to struggle into as I would have thought (or else I just bought a cheap thin suit), once I had it on I immediately looked in the mirror (a girl thing I think) and it did not look terrible.  I felt fit & curvy and overall pumped up to get out there in the suit and be swimming with the sharks (not really please) and to earn the fact that I was wearing a wetsuit.  A huge new goal for me this year.

The past few days have been an incredible swirl of emotional moments & pondering.  Taped Oprah for my mom since it is the final few episodes and immediately found myself sucked in to Rhoda (as Great Grandma used to always call her for some funny reason).  Watched the episode about people who have lost over 100lbs and was just struck by the overwhelming theme of confidence and self-worth.  I see this on Biggest Loser when I remember to watch.  You see pictures of the person 300-400lbs and they appear desperate, sad, lost, and so very unhappy & trapped.  Then you see them 'after' and the change is astounding and not thoroughly physical.  They are glowing and their voices are strong and they are so happy & confident.  It is amazing and so motivating.  A man they profiled lost 160 lbs and when he came out he looked like an entirely different human being.  Muscles bulging, handsome face, HUGE grin.  He was so honest about always being the jokester, always being the first one to make the fat joke about himself.  Now he is so much more comfortable with himself but that each day is a challenge, it is a daily battle to stay fit and be healthy.  You don't just drop 160 lbs & then live on easy street.  I really enjoyed the episode, especially one portion of an overweight mother and her 11 yr old daughter.  How one day mom realized how much she was hurting her daughter by not allowing her the viewpoint of pursuing a healthy lifestyle.  As a relatively new parent I sometimes forget about the pressure of being a role model for kiddo, it's a tough gig but man does it ever keep me honest in so many ways.  I am also struck by a cheesy article I saw in People magazine where something like 6 contestants on Biggest Loser  have met, worked out together, sweat & lose weight together for weeks, married & have families whereas on the Bachelor reality shows where everyone is glossy, thin, primped, plucked & 'beautiful'...you have like a single measly success story in years of episodes.

Next episode of O was Fergie, the Duchess and I was amazed at how great it was.  SO much insight into how you never really know what is going on inside someone's head, heart or life and when you assume, you are most likely wrong.  I was shocked to watch as Fergie was listening to Suz Orman tell her that she was not just financially broken but her value and her self-worth were non-existent.  Fergie looked at Suz in a horribly confused way and pleaded with her "Come on now, be honest with me, just TELL me what you mean by self worth, tell me what you are talking about and tell me how to GET it, How do I GET self worth?"  That made me cry, for this 50-something woman to have ZERO concept of the feeling of self-worth, it was devastating to watch.  I credit my family, friends, community & summer camp Caz for instilling in me a very solid base of self worth.  yes, over the years I have taken some wrong turns, dated the wrong people, become engaged to the wrong people, made bad career choices, horrible personal choices, yadda yadda but I have never thought, not even once I don't think, that I wasn't an amazing wonderful human being in some sense or another...that is until I had my kiddo & spent a few months in the shame spiral that is post partum depression.  Yet, even in the midst of that spiral I knew how I WANTED to feel, I knew how I always had felt, I was just trying to crawl back there to a place of confidence & light that I had always known & that had always supported me.  So in watching that reaction from Fergie it was heartbreaking to see someone who did not appear to ever really know or feel that sense of inner confidence, love & well-being.  She had been a wife and is a mother, and to go through those phases of life, without having that core sense of self-worth just made me want to each out and hug her.  I am forever thankful again to family, friends and Caz for instilling in me this sense of awesome, sure I have bad days and low days but overall I KNOW what an amazing human being I am and what a profound effect I have on the lives of my loved ones and how much I enjoy almost each & every day.